The Quiet Middle Ground of Self-Love: What Really is Self-Love?

Self-love is a funny phrase. For some, it’s the holy grail of good living. For others, it’s the reason society’s falling apart. Most of us? We’re stuck in the middle, shrugging and thinking, “Sure… but what does it actually mean?” How am I to truly love myself?

But here’s a grounding truth:

You can’t give what you don’t have.

If you’re gas tank is running on empty, people around you feel it.

If you’re harsh with yourself, that spills out too.

Confidence, compassion, patience; before you can give that to anyone you first have to trust you. 

And because of that, real self-love- not the glammed-up stuff we see online- can’t be a trophy you win once. It’s a muscle: slow to build, easy to neglect, and always shaped by "I’d rather not do that," but eventually followed up by "why didn’t I do this sooner?" We can all be negative to ourselves even in the positive. But no matter who you are, it wasn’t sooner because your body and mind weren’t ready. 

That’s why it starts with you. 

Self-Love in the Christmas Chaos

Here we are again, marching into another Christmas season; for some it felt like you tripped into many different parts joy, stress, nostalgia, and, for a lot of people, grief.

It’s the “season of giving,” but let’s be honest: it’s also the season of people quietly falling apart.

Maybe it’s the first Christmas without someone.

Maybe the finances are tight.

Maybe seasonal depression is whispering its old tired script.

Maybe you’re simply worn down from trying to hold everything and all things together.

In that chaos, self-love can feel about as close as summer sunshine.

But here’s something we forget:

Caring for others and caring for yourself were never meant to be enemies.

You don’t need to try to wrestle between honouring your boundaries and finding space for generosity, or try to balance giving and resting. One fuels the others. 

A Simple Picture

Take a new parent.

So many things on the go, a house that feels chaotic, but you still love your child and want to be a present support for your partner. However, you keep thinking to yourself; I use to be a runner, or fish at the lake; and as you think about these things you remember how grounded it made you feel, it made you feel like a human being; like those mornings after you finally were able to get a cup of coffee into you. But the hard thing is you think, I’m a sleep-deprived individual, how do I do all of this?

Maybe your baby wakes at 8:30am now, or whatever their schedule looks like. Maybe your partner needs you at a certain time of day. So you shift: you run earlier or later. You steal twenty minutes where you can.

Not because you’re selfish.

But because you know that when you get a moment to yourself to just exhale, you are calmer, kinder, and more patient. 

That isn’t selfishness.

That’s wisdom.

“Where Do I Even Start?”

Most people imagine self-love as a full renovation project:

Five workouts a week.

The most perfect routine.

A journal full of profound insights.

Meditation.

Lemon water.

A fancy drink from Starbucks.

A clean pantry that looks like it was curated by a the world’s best designer.

But if life were this easy, wouldn’t we all be doing that? Reality check: It doesn’t work like that.

...And meaningful change rarely grows from the confines of pressure.

Think of the tortoise and the hare. The turtle didn’t win because it was impressive. It won because it kept taking small, manageable steps.

Self-love starts to come alive there.

Two quiet mornings with your coffee before you check your phone.

Ten minutes before the house wakes up you go for a walk

A walk after dinner where your shoulders finally drop; just you and your partner. Or maybe you and the dog; or maybe just maybe just you. 

Little things- almost embarrassingly itty bitty.

Repeated over time, they move mountains.

When You’ve Already Tried Everything

Some of you have done all of that already.

You've walked.

You've journaled.

You've read the books.

It seems like you have downloaded every app known to humankind. 

And still; nothing budged.

If that’s you, take this in gently:

Sometimes the next step isn’t a new routine or one magic thing that will fix all problems. It’s support.

Therapy isn’t proof you “failed” at self-love.

Often, it’s the first real step many have taken to healing. 

The Middle Place Where It All Comes Together

Across clients, friends, coworkers, I’ve noticed something universal:

People feel most alive when they help someone else.

When they make someone laugh.

When they lift someone’s burden.

When gratitude flashes across someone’s face and that tiny spark inside fires up:

“Yeah… this matters.”

We are wired to care.

And self-love doesn’t weaken that instinct.

It sharpens it.

When you’re steady inside, helping becomes natural; joyful even.

Picture yourself driving on a freezing January morning. Someone’s spun out in a ditch. You pull over. Not to be a hero; just because you’re grateful you can help. Because you’re in a place where you have something to give.

That’s self-love in motion: a steady internal footing that flows outward without force.

Wherever You Are Today

Barely holding things together?

Catching your breath for the first time in months?

Somewhere messy in the middle?

You’re welcome here.

At Inner Growth, we meet people exactly where they are; even if you feel a little scuffed up, down in the dirt, maybe too embarrassed to come. Think to yourself have I ever walked into a shower clean? All you need is just the willingness to take one small step and keep going, tortoise-style.

Because self-love isn’t a destination, it’s a journey that start’s with you. 

It’s a way of walking; slow, steady, deeply human; toward a life where because of your hard work you can give freely and willingly because you are no longer empty.

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Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services near you in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.