Am I Grieving the ‘Right Way’? Debunking the Myths of Grief and Loss

Grief is an unfortunate human experience which we will all be faced with at least once over our lifetime, whether it be the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, the loss of a job, or any number of other significant life altering changes that you may have to go through. It is a reality of life that people will encounter and have to learn how to navigate the changes associated with loss. However, many people struggle to cope effectively with grief and loss. In this blog post, we will explore some myths of grief and loss to help you determine whether you are grieving the "right way" or may need some extra help processing and coping.

Are You Grieving the Right Way?

Grief is a highly individual experience which looks and feels different for every person and their loss. How we each grieve can be affected by many things including our cultural background, religious or spiritual beliefs, the type of relationship, mental health status, current circumstances and social supports, previous experiences with grief, and many other factors.

The tricky part about coping with grief is that because it looks so different for everyone, there isn't one "right way" to grieve. However, I'm sure we've all heard many pieces of advice on how we "should" grieve, whether it be from family, social, or cultural influences, which shapes our expectations for our first experiences with it. So it is easy to be confused and unsure whether or not you are in fact grieving in a healthy manner. But don't worry- we will outline the misconceptions of what grief looks like, how you can identify if you are working through your grief in a healthy way and also how a therapist can assist you on that journey. 

What is Grief?

To begin, it is necessary to understand that grief is a natural and healthy emotional response to the loss of something or someone in an individual's life and looks different for everyone. Some of the many emotions that you may feel through grieving include sadness, depression, numbness, confusion, anxiety, anger, overwhelm, shock, disbelief and more. And in some circumstances, people may even feel relieved or at peace.

Grieving is often described as numerous emotions ‘coming in waves’ that can flood you unexpectedly- one minute life seems back to normal and the next you are overcome with feelings toward your grief. These "grief attacks" are completely normal and to be expected, especially after some sort of trigger or reminder of the person/thing you've lost.

Grief can also be felt on an emotional spectrum and often can combine contrasting emotions from sadness to relief, guilt to gratitude and anger to joy, etc. Additionally, this emotional spectrum can vary in intensity where some may feel profound distress, whereas others may be able to carry on as usual, or some may also be detached from their emotions and operating on autopilot - all of these feelings are valid and normal reactions to loss. It is essential to acknowledge that there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. Accepting how you grieve uniquely is extremely important to allow you to feel your emotions and heal through them with compassion. 

Not only does grief present with emotional symptoms but it also has physical ones. Grief can take a major toll on the body as it affects your nervous system and can even influence your immune system which assists your ability to fight off sickness. Some physical symptoms associated with grief can be fatigue, headaches, nausea, upset stomach, weakness in muscles, joint pain, tightness in chest or throat, reduced or increased appetite or sleeping too much or too little.

As well, there can be noticeable cognitive and behavioural changes caused by grief such as difficulty concentrating or completing tasks, troubling thinking and decision making, lost sense of hope or direction, difficulty remembering, absent-mindedness and staying on top of responsibilities. It can feel like living in a fog for a little bit that may affect your typical behaviours!

Common Myths About Grief 

As we've said before, there are many pieces of advice or expectations imposed on us for how we "should" grieve after loss that can lead to a lot of uncertainty in our own grieving process. Here are 4 common myths and misconceptions about grief to watch out for:

Myth #1: “Grief is something that someone should eventually ‘get over’ and it should go away” 

This perspective holds judgement and criteria to grieving which is not healthy nor helpful. Instead, it is beneficial to think of growing around grief, where the grief/pain is not diminished per se but rather our capacity to hold space for it increases.

Grief can feel as painful as it did when we first experienced the loss and that’s okay. But it is important that as time goes on we have ways to cope and feel our grief so that we can also continue to experience the things we still have that exist in our lives.

Myth #2: “Grief follows the 5 exact stages for everyone” 

You probably have heard of the five stages of grief before: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance as these stages have been widely used to understand the process of grief. While this outline can be helpful for people to identify, anticipate and validate their grieving process, it is important to note that it is not a universal experience of how grief manifests.

Instead the 5 stages of grief can be a tool to help people understand some of the reactions they may be experiencing related to grief and recognize their needs to work toward acceptance and peace, but should not be followed as a prescribed pattern as the ‘proper’ way of grieving. 

Further, grief is not linear; It ebbs and flows through ups and down. Some people may experience the stages of grief out of order, repeating stages multiple times, or not experiencing steps certain steps at all. The goal of grief is not to move on but to get to a place where you can manage your life while working through the pain of the loss.

Myth #3: “Grieving should only last X amount of time to work through” 

Similar to the first myth, this sentiment places the expectation that grief is something that has a beginning and end, concludes and should no longer be experienced at some point. This criteria is both unrealistic and places unneeded pressure on the person grieving.

Processing through grief can be slow and it is important to have patience with yourself and to not compare your experience to others. Grief can be understood as a ‘Dual process’ where through grief we are balancing two aspects of ourselves: 1) Feeling and giving space to grieve and  2) Coping with continuing our daily life. Both of these aspects are important when grieving, but people often struggle to welcome difficult emotions and may also feel guilt for continuing on with their lives so intentionally hold themselves back- or, they may be too overwhelmed with emotion to function in any capacity.

There is no timeline for grief. Although people who experience common grief may experience significant improvements in symptoms after about 1 to 2 years, grief takes as long as you need it to and for some that can be a lifetime. Although most people find that as time goes on, they slowly learn to cope better with the loss. 

However, while all grief can be complex and challenging to work through, when symptoms become extreme and begin to interfere with daily life and wellbeing over a long period of time, this can be cause for concern. This is what is called ‘complicated grief’ where the state of mourning is preventing one from healing and various areas of their life, such as work and other relationships, are impacted.

Complicated grief can be cause for concern due to the impact it has on an individual's ability to function. It can be highly beneficial to work through complicated grief with a therapist as it is very difficult to resolve on its own and can extend over a long time with little improvement. 

“Myth #4 "Distract yourself and keep yourself busy.  The pain will go away faster if you ignore it” 

There are so many ways to grieve and it can feel complicated to understand our individual differences, but one of the healthiest ways to work through grief is to acknowledge it and feel it. When grief is not dealt with or repressed it can have lasting negative impacts on an individual's life, and may lead to complicated grief.

Allowing yourself to feel the difficult emotions that come with grief is crucial to working through the painful emotions that come with grief. Unresolved (or complicated) grief can have a negative effect on your emotional or physical health. To heal and process grief you have to address it and this doesn’t have to be done alone. You may not know what your unique grief process looks like or how to manage the many emotions that you may be dealing with, but a therapist can surely support you through this. 

Some people also often don’t know how to process their grief and that’s where a therapist can come in. It is okay to need time alone to process things but isolating during this difficult time is not beneficial. It is important to remind ourselves that there are connections and supports that still exist when it feels like there isn’t. 

Whether you are experiencing normal grief, complicated grief or are unsure and seeking support through your loss, Inner Growth Counselling & Psychotherapy in Barrie offers online counselling or in-person therapy to guide you through your grieving process. 

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Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services near you in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.