Do you struggle to regulate your emotions? It can be difficult sometimes, especially if you're experiencing big and intense emotions! When this happens, and people feel out of control with their emotional experiences, its common for individuals to get upset with themselves if they can't "control" their emotions. Being mean to or frustrated with ourselves is the opposite of self-compassion, which is actually one way we can learn to regulate our emotions better. So if you're interested in how a little kindness can help you regulate your emotions, then keep reading!
How to Regulate Your Emotions Using Self-Compassion
As we mentioned, there are many different ways you can learn to regulate your emotions. Mindfulness, deep breathing, positive self-talk, body movements are just to name a few! And in this article, we will explore how self-compassion in particular can help you regulate your emotions and overall adopt a much kinder approach to navigating our struggles.
What Is Self Compassion?
Self compassion refers to our ability to give ourselves support and kindness. When we have self compassion we are able to relate to ourselves in a forgiving and accepting way, even when we are facing difficult situations. As defined by Dr. Kristen Neff, self compassion includes three important components; self kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Self Kindness involves giving ourselves understanding when we face difficult things, rather than trying to ignore our pain or beat ourselves up. When we give ourselves kindness, we give ourselves the same warmth and encouragement we might give to a friend or family member. This means reminding ourselves that we are doing the best we can, and taking the time to be more forgiving and patient with ourselves.
Common Humanity is another important component of self compassion. It reminds us that we are not alone, that pain and challenges are normal parts of the human experience, and that everyone deals with these parts of life in different ways. It is important to remind ourselves that pain and suffering are threads that tie all of humanity together, rather than something that isolates us and makes us feel alone. By reminding ourselves of our common humanity- our common struggle- we recognize that our experiences are part of the human condition.
Mindfulness refers to our ability to be aware of our pain, while accepting it for what it is in the present moment. Practicing self-compassion requires that we are aware of our difficult experiences (ie thoughts, feelings, body sensations), without overidentifying with them and letting it become our entire reality.
To learn more about the Definition of Self Compassion, click here to read more and watch some short videos from Dr. Kristen Neff.
Why Is It So Hard To Be Kind To Ourselves?
When we are going through difficult times, our bad experiences often become the focus of our attention, and we may feel that our pain becomes our entire reality. Our tendency to focus on the negative parts of our experiences may come from our fight or flight system, a system in our brains that is intended to help us deal with threats and danger.
Difficult experiences in our lives such as those in the world around us, as well as images, emotions and memories may be perceived as a threat or danger by our brains. When we experience threats, our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline which are intended to motivate us to take action. When we experience these hormones, our body jumps into action to protect us with a variety of behaviours that are intended to help such as withdrawal, fight, flight, freeze, or self-attacking and self-criticism.
Self-criticism is often our brains attempt to motivate us to do better, to work harder, and get ourselves out of the situation we are facing. Our body’s threat system is a very powerful and well established system, that has a "better safe than sorry" mentality, and often reacts without our immediate attention. Because this system is so powerful and so well established, it can be very hard to combat, which is why it can be so difficult to give ourselves compassion!
While this system is a necessary part of living and a very important part of our survival in the face of danger, it isn't always helpful when we are facing emotions and experiences we cannot control and that we would rather not have. When we criticize and attack ourselves, we feed into the fight or flight system, which can lead to chronic overuse of our threat system. When we chronically overuse this system we can experience low mood, anxiety, toxic stress, depression, low motivation, and negative feelings toward ourselves.
How does Self compassion Help Regulate Our Emotions?
When we give ourselves compassion by being accepting, forgiving, kind and supportive with ourselves, we are able to activate a separate system in our brain known as the soothe system. The soothe system is a system that operates within all of us naturally when we are facing no threats, and feel there is nothing in our environments that we need to defend ourselves against.
Rather than the threat system which activates us, the soothe system deactivates us, and gives us a sense of safety and calmness. This system is associated with compassion, peace, kindness and warmth. When we activate the soothe system, we become more resilient in the face of challenges, disappointment, stress, and uncomfortable emotions.
When we are able to activate this system and give ourselves inner support, we feel much safer and more secure, which places us in a state of mind that allows us to cope with emotions and difficult experiences. This allows our emotions to come and go without getting swept away or letting them dominate our lives.
How Can I Practice Self Compassion?
Giving ourselves self compassion can seem like a daunting task, but with practice and commitment there are many ways we can learn to activate the soothe system and give ourselves warmth and support. Practicing self compassion can look different depending on what works best for you! Some ways to practice self compassion can include:
Guided Self Compassion Practices
There are many guided self compassion practices to help you. For example, click here for some guided practices from Dr. Kristen Neff, who is a leading researcher in the field of self compassion. The guided practices are short audio clips that guide you through various ways to cultivate self compassion. Some of these guided exercises include meditation, imagination, exploration, attending to your body and breath, letter writing, and self soothing exercises. Working through these exercises allows us to take a different perspective, and engage with our thoughts, emotions, and experiences in a way that fosters self compassion.
Journalling
Journalling is an exercise that can help us to process our emotions and experiences. Journaling allows us to express ourselves in a safe and non judgemental space, which allows us to acknowledge and stay connected with our experiences. By expressing ourselves, and self reflecting, we are able to develop a more understanding relationship with ourselves and have more compassion for ourselves as we navigate difficult times. For some inspiration for journaling to promote self compassion, check out these prompts!
Affirmations
Creating affirmations fosters self compassion by quieting our inner critic and creating a kinder and supportive inner dialogue. Affirmations are often part of journaling, read aloud to ourselves each day, or posted in areas where we can see them often such as around the house on sticky notes. Consistently saying affirmations can reinforce inner strengths, promote self acceptance, and replace our self criticism and blaming with more support and empathy.
Your Affirmations should be unique and resonate with you. Some ideas might include:
I am learning and growing everyday
It is okay to make mistakes
I accept myself as I am
I choose to speak to myself with kindness
I am gentle with myself
I can handle whatever life throws my way
I am proud of myself
I am doing the best that I can
I am accepting of my emotions
For some more inspiration for self compassion affirmations, click here
The Bottom Line
Overall, self compassion is about being present and treating ourselves with unconditional loving and kindness. To be self compassionate does not mean we need to ignore our pain and suffering, but instead means we acknowledge that it is a normal part of the human condition. The more we open ourselves up to our experiences rather than fighting them, the more we are able to feel compassion for ourselves as humans doing the best we can as we navigate this challenging world.
Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services near you in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.
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